Music Industry's Notable Quotables

"I didn't know I liked the way you play guitar that much."
-- A prominent record executive

"Try to look at the big picture ... we're all in it and you're not!"
-- Industry executive to a stubborn engineer

"Rasinettes make me carsick"
-- Lisa Loeb

"It sounds a lot more like it does now than it did ten minutes ago."
-- unknown A&R guy

"Could you put that up an octave just a little?"
-- unknown producer

"I just want the vibe of the strings to be on the tape."
-- unknown producer after telling the engineer to erase the string tracks he just spent the entire day recording

"So let's run an instrumental version, and then one without any vocals."
-- Steve Lindsey

"Bruce just listened to all the songs on the greatest hits LP. He wants to speed them all up, except for 'Thunder Road', which speeds up all by
itself."
-- John Landau

"He's not stupid. He just has emerging skills."
-- Diplomatic engineer referring to producer who spilled coffee on the mixing board.

"Does the noise in my head bother you?"
-- Highly caffeinated engineer up for 36 hours.

"I've never liked backwards ideas. It always sounds like you've run out of forwards ideas."
-- Gilson Lavis, former drummer with Squeeze

"Well, that's the dilemma. It's supposed to be a solo and the backing vocals aren't very good, so I'd turn up the hand claps and make it a party sort of vibe."
-- Paul Westerberg in response to Bob's question "Is that a solo?"

"I make records so I can buy art."
-- Jimmy Iovine to Jim Kerr after hearing lyrics to a new Simple Minds song.

"And now he's flanging the VU meters"
-- A&R guy trying to impress an attractive woman in the studio by showing her how much recording experience he has.

Joe Pine (60's talk show host who sported a wooden leg) to Frank Zappa --
"So, with your long hair, I guess that makes you a woman."
Frank Zappa's response -- "So, with your wooden leg, I guess that makes you a table."

"That's not a bug, that's a feature."
-- Phil Cork, SSL software engineer

"Well, it's not really 'hi-fi,' and not really 'lo-fi.' It's just kind of 'fi.'"
-- Aimee Mann

"You don't actually have to be able to understand the lyrics, you've just got to feel like you could if you wanted to"
-- Chuck Plotkin (Producer for Bruce Springsteen)

"I'm the perpetual optimist, unfortunately."
-- Ed Doyle

"What do I care about lyrics... I'm a bass player!"
-- John Pierce

"Why the hell would I make up a name like 'Froom'?"
-- Mitchell Froom, upon being asked if 'Froom' was his real name

Industry Executive -- "So why didn't the trade show literature get edited?"
Marketing Assistant - "I guess nobody thought of it."
Exec - "OK then, who's the 'nobody' who didn't think of it?"

Richard Moakes (assistant eng. at Air Studios in 1987) -- "I heard an Olivia Newton-John album that was mixed using an 'Aural Exciter.'"
Engineer - "Oh yeah? Did it sound good?"
Richard - "Nah, but she looked great!"

"He's not the same player he used to be -- but even more so."
-- Unknown producer referring to recording artist who'd seen better days.

"The only thing worse than kicking a dead horse is saddling one."
-- Unknown engineer referring to a bad mix getting worse

"No brain, no headache."
-- Unknown engineer referring to guitarist who accidentally swallowed his guitar pick.

Haikus for Musicians

Squeaking and squawking

All eyes roll to the heavens

The clarinet speaks

One beat to change from

Harmon to cup to bucket

Hey, who wrote this crap?

The jam session starts

Somebody calls "Giant Steps"

Cold fear grips my brain

   

Here's the girl singer

Stepping to the microphone

Pitch, Time, All gone now

Gig is going well

Idiot requests "In the Mood"

I look at my watch

I once had a dream

Big house, new car, big money

Now I play the bass

Gorgeous chick tells me

"You sound just like Kenny G"

My ego shatters

Three-eight, eleven-eight

Darn you Andrew Lloyd Webber

Five-eight, seven-eight

The woodwind doubler

Practicing the piccolo

Frustration defined

Pit orchestra gig

Days and nights become as one

I have no darned life

Bad intonation

Strings are sharp and reeds are flat

Brass too loud again

Great changes, good groove

A one-in-a-million gig

No singer. Yippee!

An oxymoron:

"He played the accordion

With delicacy"

The accordion

"Squeeze box," yes, but more often

"The Stomach Steinway"

Bassoons forever

Try in vain not to sound like

A farting bedpost

The strings slowly tune

When they're done the unisons

Are anything but

"I can't find my note"

Bemoans the confused singer

"Quit now," we all pray

The contractor calls

Months of Andrew Lloyd Webber

"Bird Lives" no longer

BAD GIGS by Tuck Andress

What can go wrong? By Tuck Andress (of Tuck & Patti)



Borrowed guitar, different string spacing, bridge or nut sliding during string bending or vibrato, wrong strap length or strap breaking during solo, unwound guitar string used as backup strap gradually cutting through shirt and shoulder, sleeve snagging on bridge suddenly locking up hand, wrong pick, dropped pick, broken pick, no pick, pick stuck between strings, finger caught between strings, wrong strings, dead strings, sticky strings, blood on strings, broken strings, no extra strings, jar of honey spilled all over strings, vintage L-5's gig bag shoulder strap breaking immediately before album release concert for 5,000 people causing guitar to fall on concrete and creating crack from tailpiece to neck which gradually splits apart during performance with action getting higher and higher, amp too far away, amp too close, amp broken so play through bass amp or P.A., tone all wrong, overdrive bypass switch broken, cymbal in ear, band too loud, audience too loud, band downstairs too loud, bad monitors, no monitors, in-ear monitors broken so Patti is heard acoustically but Tuck is heard only through house PA 50 yards away resulting in Tuck being unavoidably out of sync with Patti by1/6 second for whole show, guitar buzz, RF from nearby transmitter louder than the music itself, brownouts making organ pitch fluctuate randomly over an octave range, power outage, equipment plugged into 230 volts immediately before show, earthquake during show in high-rise, outdoor desert performance at 131 degrees with sand-blasting winds, sub-freezing outdoor mountaintop performance with snow storms and 40 mph winds, high altitude dizziness, no sleep, no food, too much food, wrong food, food poisoning, fever, locked bathrooms, way too many liquids before long show, nagging suspicion that zipper is down, contact lens falling out during moment of peak concentration, compromised hand position due to repeatedly sliding full width of stage while trying to keep playing but not collide with Patti on yacht in rough Finnish Gulf of Bothnia, charts blown away by wind, charts on thermal fax paper, charts in wrong key, charts without bar lines, charts with bar lines all displaced by two beats, charts in bass clef or C clef, chord charts with do/re/mi (France) instead of C/D/E and everything else in Portuguese, realization that Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, Joe Pass, George Benson, Chaka Khan, Bobby McFerrin or Steve Gadd just walked in, drunks falling on stage, drunks disrobing on stage, drunks grabbing instruments or band members, band members falling asleep during song, pigs frolicking in sawdust-covered frat house knocking over band equipment, thinly veiled animosity between bride's and groom's families erupting into violence during heartfelt version of My Romance, nightly juggling of playing and operating the lighting console/footswitches and talking to audience members and trying to reign in tempos and egos of various fellow top-40 band members, arrival at duo gig with unbelievably loud, aggressive fuzz-wah hard rock bass player to discover that assignment is to back up elderly white-haired and white-suited gentleman singing unfamiliar country songs to unforgiving patrons, crowded upscale happy hour dance floor unraveling into pandemonium as normal-looking customers all collapse to the floor and writhe around on each other while astonished saxophone- playing duo partner walks out leaving helpless solo guitarist playing The Hustle for 25 minutes, funk bass player imprisoned in lounge band insisting on popping strings throughout sensitive ballads, accidental imprisonment of Patti in wine cellar out of earshot during guitar instrumentals, onstage and on-instrument living creatures with varying numbers of legs, belligerent drunken bowling alley lounge customer demanding that funk band play Debussy's Clair de Lune while remainder of band looks expectantly at guitarist, drummer watching ball game on portable TV with headphones throughout performance, guest singer repeatedly changing keys at random moments, realization that the people who have just boldly picked up instruments and are unexpectedly sitting in are Herbie Hancock and Wah Wah Watson, guns drawn at rehearsals to settle disputes about form of song, marginally famous singer resorting to the dreaded "Do you know who I am?" line, drummer and delusional would-be front man jumping off the drums in the middle of a song and mistakenly chanting "We don't need no drummer to keep that funky beat" to a dance floor packed with suddenly hostile former dancers, unstable band member deciding that it is his responsibility to educate the audience over the microphone, bass player playing random notes and rhythms because he is not a bass player at all but nonetheless booked the gig, drummer announcing that he killed somebody just before the show, swimming pool party turning into orgy with splashing on inexperienced solo electric guitarist sitting beside pool doing his first solo gig and fielding endless requests for the same song he had just played yet again, bride's and groom's special song evaporating from mortified solo musician's mind at the crucial moment, band member disappearing suddenly when his chair falls backwards off riser, unstable enormous man peaking on LSD brandishing artificial limb removed from his companion at audience
and threatening band to "sing with this", mirrors on back wall of club causing introspective young guitarist to question meaning of his life at early stage in career.

-Tuck Andress

35 Rules for Bands

Most of these are true and some I just now learned for myself(ouch).

1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music ("Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention "artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13. Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam", "swing band", "open mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Playing in Portsmouth and Nashua doesn't mean you're on tour.
24. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
25. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same. Why do you keep changing them between songs?
26. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
27. If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks.
28. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
29. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
30. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when it will turn up.
31. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
32. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
33. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
34. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
35. 3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b)headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.

Actual Band Names...

Think you have a bad band name? It could be worse...

Furious George
Adios Pantalones
Admiral Poopy Pants and His Dancing Teeth
Armed and Hammered
Afghanistan Banana Stand
Band That Shot Liberty Valence
Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
Caltransvestites
Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers
Earthpig and Fire
Endangered Feces
The Fat Chick from Wilson Phillips
Full Throttle Aristotle
Full Metal Chicken
Goldfish Don't Bounce
Guitarantula
The Hair & Skin Trading Co.
Half Man, Half Biscuit
Hamster Sandwich
Hitler Stole My Potato
Icky Boyfriends
Jehovah's Waitresses
Jiggle the Handle
John Cougar Concentration Camp
Lesbian Dopeheads on Mopeds
Lung Mustard
Microwavable Tree Frogs
Not Drowning, Waving
Once I Killed a Gopher With a Stick
People With Chairs Up Their Noses
Pepto Dismal
Orange Juice After Toothpaste
Poop Shovel
Poultry in Motion
Queer Wookie
String Cheese Incident
Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie
Two For Flinching

Session Translations

These are hilarious and a little too true -

  

Musician to engineer. "Could we have more band in the phones?"

Translation: "The singer is too loud in the phones !"

Singer to engineer: "I can't hear myself."

Translation. "I don't want to hear anyone but myself."

Musician to guitarist: "Can you hear yourself okay?"

Translation: "You're too loud in the phones !"

Bassist to band. "Can everybody hear the drums?"

Translation: "This band is swinging like a broken record !"

Drummer to bassist: "Can you hear the kick drum?"

Translation: "We're not locking..... !!

Bassist to producer: "Could we have more steel/fiddle/accordion in the phones?"

Translation: "I will punish the band for rushing."

Musician to producer: "Could we have more piano in the phones?"

Translation: "Your artist can't sing in tune."

Musician to writer: "This song has nice changes."

Translation. "It's amazing what you can do with two chords."

Musician to producer or artist: "This song sounds like a hit."

Translation: "This song sounds like another song."

Producer to band: "It's a feel thing."

Translation: "I know the song sucks, but the artist wrote it."

Musician to producer: "I don't think we'll beat the magic of that first take."

Translation: "Please don't make us play this again."

Drummer to band: "Should we speed up the tempo a couple of clicks?"

Translation:"Do you all intend to keep rushing?"

Musician: "Could we listen to one in the control room?"

Translation: "The way these phones sound, we might as well be listening to Radio Free Europe."

Producer to band: "Let's take a break and come back and try one more."

Translation: "I think I'm having a nervous breakdown."

Musician to producer- "Were we booked for two sessions today?"

Translation: "Another three hours of this and I may have to kill you."

Producer to band: "We're supposed to be done at six, but we've got only one more tune and I was wondering if we could skip our dinner break and work straight through."

Translation: "You'll be done at nine, and you'll be hungry."

Artist to producer: I don't like this song it really sucks."

Translation: "I didn't write this song."

Producer to artist: "Trust me. It is a good song. Radio will love it."

Translation: "I own the publishing on this song. Morons will love it.

Singer to musician: "Can you play something like (so-and-so) would play?"

Translation: "I really wanted (so-and-so) on this record."